July 31, 2009
And then for those women who claim to only hang out with men because other women are "catty, bitchy, dramatic bla bla bla" are incredibly sexist because they are basically saying that if you have a penis that automatically makes you a better person and if you have a vagina then you're probably a fucking bitch and a bad person. Last time I checked both sexes were pretty fucked up. And wow what a self esteem you must have if you think your whole gender is a pile of shit.
It's funny how when a man sticks up for himself and has a opinion it's expected, and when a woman does it she's an annoying bitch. It's funny that my male friends are asked questions about their jobs/degrees and people always ask me if I'm married or have kids as if that should be my only purpose in life. It's funny how sex offenders can receive Viagra under medicaid but rape victims can't even get emergency contraception under any health insurance for free or at a lower cost. It's incredibly fucking hilarious that the only person that really benefits living in this country is the white male and everyone else is just fucked. But most importantly, it's really amazing that the very people I fight for every day, the very people I hope to have complete equality and live in a world where rape isn't around every corner, are the very people that are holding me back.
So lets raise our glasses to a society that believes in conforming, hypocrites, racism, sexism, ageism, stupidity, judging others, prejudice, stupidity, stupidity, and stupidity.
July 22, 2009
When does sweet and kind turn into boring and...predictable happen exactly? And why do people say that nice guys finish last? Because I'm pretty sure in all media it's always a short fat nice guy who is married to a tall thin gorgeous gal. Every commercial I have seen, every new movie about love sparking from getting knocked up does not include a handsome jerk. And why do guys try to be jerks anyway? It's like the ones that try to be jerks always end up being really sweet (secretly and when no one is looking) types, and the guys who always say they are nice good guys end up really fucking over people. Every man that I know that is married is way out of their wife's league. Nice guys don't finish last, boring predictable guys finish last.
Where is that passion? Where is that need to start an argument just for the hell of it? It's not there. I don't know what to do with this now. Why has this unnecessary pile of problems landed on my lap? Did I ask for this? Did I put myself in this situation? Is this just another hurdle to overcome? I'm not really sure. But for now, I am annoyed.
July 2, 2009
Everything is not lost, nor is it found. Love is never lost, nor is it ever found. It is just there. They say that love is not a feeling, but an ability. That love is just something we do. I only meant to love and be loved. But with love comes pain. And pain creates destruction of love.
I only wanted to love, and be loved.
I find myself getting so angry. Angry at all the men who 'done me wrong,' angry at myself, angry at my friends for drifting off into their own lives without me, and even more angry at society. I cannot believe I allowed myself to get caught up in the glitter and gold love is supposed to bring. I cannot believe I let myself believe that he was different. That maybe I had a chance at happiness. But I must admit every time I get to that point in a relationship I get scared. I want to get married and baby makes three and all that jazz, but when does that happiness last? Every couple I see is miserable. I wouldn't want to turn into the nagging bitch...but I wouldn't want to be that girl that just gets walked all over. I guess I just don't know what I want. I did at one point and I thought I had it all. We were practically living together and going on three years. But I could not save him from the demons within. I could not clean up the skeletons in my own closet and forgive him for his. And that was the end of that.
Crazy thoughts. I'm losing my mind. Something has snapped. I hate liars. I hope he calls. I hope he doesn't call. Cigarette. I wish I could just call him and pretend like it didn't end and that I didn't know what he was talking about. I'm not that brave. I still have some pride left. I should not have accepted his dreams and hopes for the both of us as if they actually meant something. I should not have let myself fall for THAT. My standards need some editing. I wish that I could sit here and not think about it. I doubt he even gives a shit.
I don't even care anymore. Even though I do.