August 17, 2010

Your advice sucks.

It's amazing how many dumb ass remedies there are out there for cramps. But then I realize that many women who have cramps and who suggest taking a warm bath followed by a long nap- don't have Endometriosis. I wish I could take a long nap to get rid of cramps. I wish a warm bath cured my pain. Here is what your normal remedies do for me when I'm cramping up:

1. Your warm bath is my boiling hot bath, because I'd rather feel like my skin is burning then feel the pain of my uterus, but alas the water turns less hot too quickly.

2. I can only sleep with cramps if I use vicodin or sleep aids. And even they don't last very long.

3. Your heating pad or thermawraps is my heating pad without the protective sleeve on the highest setting. I have permanent burn marks on my stomach and back under the skin from loving that heating pad too much.

4. Do crunches or sit ups? Yeah right, now that's fucking hilarious. Sometimes I can't even walk people.

5. Avoid chocolate and alcohol. Getting massively drunk seems to make me forget I'm in pain. Eating chocolate at least satisfies my craving of chocolate.

6. Take midol? All Midol is is aspirin and caffeine! I need something stronger. I need a narcotic, a muscle relaxer and some xanax. That way I'm in less pain, my uterus is more relaxed and if that doesn't help at least i wont care that i'm in pain.

7. Meditate? That is even funnier. Next time someone tells me that I'm going to tell them to meditate while being stabbed and see how successful they are.

8. Oh love this one, "stay away from red meat." People who have bad cramps tend to have heavy bleeding, red meat is full of iron and protein, the most important things a woman needs while she is menstruating! Unless she wants to become anemic of course.

9. Don't drink milk? I don't, and I still have cramps motherfucker.

10. Have sex. While I do agree with this one, actually I don't. I lied. I think it feels better for the time being bc you're busy thinking about something else. BUT I think this only applies to semi bad cramps. When I have cramps I lay there and cry for hours on end. It's like I'm in the worst pain of my life. Every time I feel like a baby should be coming out of me or something. So yeah I'm not really in the mood to get down and dirty when I'm in that much pain.

All the other remedies are stupid. The only one I can come up with is patience. Just wait until the pain is over. Wait it out. If you've taken advil or tylenol and nothing works, just wait it out. Eventually you'll feel better. Unless you have endometriosis then you're probably always in pain and you're used to waiting it out anyway.