February 26, 2010

Duck and Cover Y'all

If I ever thought 2010 was going to be a good year then I must have been out of my mind. In just four months I have gone to having my own couch and spoons and forks to use whenever I please to no couch and no spoons and no forks. It might be time to bust out my plastic animal shaped flatware. The day after Thanksgiving Dick and Jane, who we now refer to as Brain Damage, started a fight about moving a bathroom rug and moving a dirty old chair up to their bedroom so that I could fit the only chairs I brought on the move. "I would like to have 6 available seats in this room for when we have another couple visit us!" Brain would say. Then Damage told us he felt emasculated when my Shawn put the closet door on our bedroom all by his little "manly" self. I basically sat there and listened to their arguments and did what any normal person would do, I made a drink.

About one week after that Brain was upset because we cleaned the house and "moved her stuff." We didn't touch anything of hers except that we placed something that was on the floor on her table and unplugged her sewing machine so we could sweep and mop.

Then about a few weeks later Brain was furious because we threw away her dried up glade refill. She said "It was brand new and you just threw it away!" It was not brand new and it wasn't making the bathroom smell good like it was supposed to...so we threw it away. But to avoid a further fight we bought a refill box and she didn't even say you.

Then they stopped drinking, and that is when they went from annoying but still drunk so not that bad to the biggest assholes on the planet.

Our next fight happened on new years eve when we invited them to see a band play and they said the only way they were going out is if their other friends go out. Which was a slap in the face to Shawn bc Damage was supposed to be his friend. They had been friends for many years before this mistake of a move. And Damage didn't start acting like this until he started dating Brain.

"We're moving out as soon as possible." I told shawn as we drove to the bar alone.

Then guess what happened a couple weeks after that? You guessed right! Another fight. This one was about how "we're obviously not getting along" and how we should "try a little harder to make this a better experience." But mainly they just told us how MY furniture was in THEIR way. So basically when Brain told me four months prior to bring my stuff because it was welcome and they totally had the space for it and wanted a dining room table anyway, she really meant: don't bring your stuff, in fact only bring stuff that can fit in your bedroom and that is it. And then told them that it would be nice if they actually moved their shit over in the kitchen so that we could fit food in the fridge and in the pantry. I told Brain Damage that it would be nice if they could once in awhile do their mountain of rotting dishes and take out the trash rather then just pile more and more on top.

The next morning I overheard them saying "What did they expect?" And a shit-ton of smack talking about yours truly. This is what I expected:

1. That we were moving to a neighborhood that did not have a crack motel and prostitutes.
2. That Ohio and Kentucky were not having a hiring freeze so that I possibly could get a job.
3. That my soon to be roommates and ONLY friends in the whole midwest region were going to be nice well rounded people who were not insane.

That is all. And it's not asking a lot.

I moved my dining room table into my room, along with all the furniture I had placed in the 'Girls' Room' because Brain decided that the upstairs was their half and the downstairs would be ours. Except for the fact that the bathroom and shower room are upstairs and the music room which houses some of our stuff that was now kicked to the curb. So basically they get three rooms and we get a cramped bedroom and the freezing living room.

I told Shawn that they were going to take their coffee table and couch even though they had no room for it. And he replied, "no I doubt it dude they are not that spiteful." One week later they took their coffee table and every ugly thing hanging on the wall. It took them a whole month to take the couch. Oh and the curtains. Which resulted in another fight between Shawn and Damage.

D: (in a text message) Yo we are going to take our couch out of your living room, and we are going to take our curtains out as well.
S: (called him to respond) That is fine it is your stuff anyway but do you think you could wait to take the curtains until we can go out and buy some tension rods and fabric so that COMPLETE STRANGERS cannot see us as they walk to the grocery store.
D: No we need them right away.
S: Why?
D: Because our room is cold and we need to hang the curtains up.

They already have curtains hanging over their windows.

S: Dude we have ten dollars to last us until I get paid it's not like I can just go out and buy new curtains tonight.
D: Why are you getting so mad?
S: Never mind just take your fucking curtains and your couch I know it's your stuff and you obviously don't want us using anything you have so take it back.
D: That is not true at all.

It's totally true. Not to mention Brain stole my frying pan a couple days ago and packed it in a box. A frying pan that she has never used and I used almost every day. Plus they have taken most of their silverware and plates out of the kitchen.

I'm not even going to mention the fight a week ago about the heating bill.

I'm about ready to explode.

February 12, 2010

Dear bloody uterus, I hate you.

I wrote a little poem that I'd like to share to the world.

Cramps are stupid, cramps are mean, cramps are like a buzz kill machine.

Periods suck, periods ruin my day, my period is worst than a one million word essay.

Crying for no reason is annoying, eating sweet and salty shit all day spoils my dinner,I wish my uterus would stop being such an east berliner.

My lower back hurts, my ovaries are pressing down on a nerve that makes my legs and feet hurt like hell, and I'm sure my fallopian tube is glad she said farewell.

Last month aunt flow was two weeks late, this month she is two weeks early, next month lets try to be punctual, ok girlie!?

The End.

I guess I'll go sit in the hole thats been dug for me by my tribe now.