January 28, 2010

Stupid is as stupid does

Stupidity is like Herpes. It spreads like wildfire. Once it is there, it cannot be cured. It seems as if it has gone away and then a horrible outbreak will happen and you will punish yourself for being ever so foolish. Of course that stupid person is still stupid! All the people who seem to have this stupidity disease are always happy looking, and worse, they tend to be in really happy looking relationships. They have good looking partners even though themselves may be less fortunate. As with Herpes. Every single one of those people in the commercials are having the best gawd damn time of their lives. What the hell is that about? Maybe they are just happy that they have genital herpes and when they have an outbreak no one has to know about it. Or maybe they really are having the time of their lives in the sunny warm park on a beautiful July summer day.

I love how the media/commercials/ads portrays different groups. Such lies-but still funny nonetheless.

1. Newport Cigarettes.


You too can be this fucking happy about a pumpkin if you smoke these disgusting cheap cigarettes. Or you can go camping with all your friends with perfect complexions and laugh all night. In fact you can do anything you damn well please as long as you smoke these and smile and laugh all day long, every day, for the rest of your life. There is actually a city called Newport right next to the city I live in, and it reminds me so much of the actual cigarettes. It's ugly, dirty, and although it seemed like a good idea at one time, it was actually the biggest mistake of your life.


2. Carls Jr.


If you eat Carls Jr., the finest woman you have always dreamed of fucking will automatically appear ... right in front of you! And she will ask you to get her all dirty with your condiment-y hands. Or slimy I should say. Because that is what women desire. Or Paris Hilton will wash your car with your 5 dollar heart attack. She'll rub the pickles into your dashboard and squeegee your windshield with a square of lab made cheese. Kim Kardashian will lay in your bed and eat your erh "delicious" salad. It will take her 24 takes to actually eat one salad leaf perfect so you'll be there for awhile. Oh and best of all, Audrina Patridge will sit on the beach and watch you eat with a blank deer in the headlights gaze until your head explodes.


3. Glad Forceflex (Pa-leeeease)



Ok this is a product that really boils my blood. First of all Glad thinks Americans are stupid. And while I will agree that a good percentage of Americans are stupid, I disagree that all of us are that unfortunate. In their commercial they portray us as monkeys. It really is not that hard to throw something away but apparently Glad seems to think we ALL suck at this task. So in order to fix this problem they have invented a product that simply does not work, and is actually worse then the original fucking trash bags! I have pantyhose that hold more than those bags. I have earned the right to complain because I bought them and was dissatisfied with my purchase. Of course like any other person I wanted to this "unbelievable stretching ability" they alway portray in their commercials! It RIPPED. Giant slice down the whole middle of the stupid bag that cost me three dollars more than the regular bags. So the next bag I used I tried to be more careful to what items I put in. Any flattened boxes with a pointy edge were no longer permitted after three bags ripped. Well shit, I thought to myself, now I have to cut the points of all flattened boxes or place them in a pile and throw them away separately. To make a long story short (too late!) I ended up planning everything out before I threw it away. Never again will I be fooled.

Pretend land is such a great place, almost as good as Candy Land. I mean come on, a whole town made out of candy?! It's every tooth's nightmare and every dentists dream. The only thing better then that is a stream made out of coffee and inner-tube sized donuts to float down the coffee river in.

Anyway...as I was saying. Pretend land has happy beautiful couples who have herpes, people actually enjoy smoking Newports, bacon cheeseburgers actually attract supermodels, and you can fit a smashed piano in a freaking trash bag. And sadly some people believe this place is real. Maybe it's the same reasoning with this Avatar movie. I've read that people are actually getting depressed from watching this movie. When I read that I could hear millions of people who actually have real depression getting slapped in the face. Because when you think about it, it really is a slap in the face to everyone who is actually depressed and doctors who study years and years to tell people that they are actually depressed.

I can see it now! So many therapists are getting increased clientele. Suzy Suicide Watch now has to wait another week to see her therapist because 20 new patients are freaking out that a made up jungle and a species of blue people don't exist. Not to mention Bi-Polar Barb can't get any appointments in until four months from now because her movie theater plays four different screenings of Avatar a day! Men and women all over the country are pulling out their yellow pages and making appointments to doctors and therapists and counselors who frankly don't have time for this bullshit. And for the damn doctor who coined this term Avatar Based Depression, you should lose your license and be sent to North Dakota for all eternity.

I may be too harsh about this subject, after all I was a severely depressed three year old when Charlotte died at the end of the movie, and even more so when I found out that (Gasp!) spiders and pigs are not friends in real life and they certainly do not help each other out in the real world. But maybe because I was lied to so many times about fantasy worlds that made me pretty happy, (Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Fairies kissing my face at night to explain freckles!) I was prepared to be disappointed in the future as an adult. Apparently not so for all these morons. Plus it's not like they made up the idea of a jungle. If these people are so upset why don't they gather the Blue Man Group take 'em to the Galapagos Islands and there you freaking go.

The funny thing is, if this place really did exist 98% of Americans wouldn't last one day without their cell phones, computers, Iphone Apps, television shows, blackberry emails, fax machines, and Bedazzlers. Not to mention the world used to look really cool before mankind smashed it down and laid five thousand layers of concrete over it. Maybe that's why these movie goers are depressed, because most of us can't afford to see the last untouched places in the world where half the animals are not going extinct. Maybe they are depressed because they are stupid enough to get depressed from a movie about fictional events. Maybe in the big scheme of things this goes much deeper than I am judging. But I highly doubt it.

1 comment:

  1. That's a new one, Avatar based Depression. That's kind of sudden. I'm guessing in a rather unededucated fashion that they would like to identify with the noble savages of Pandora, but it's pretty obvious that they are just a bunch of tools who live in the real world, and they'll never escape that drab existence no matter how long they have to live it.

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